I was sitting next to our bath last night, with my toddler playing with his bubbles. And I was reflecting that for many years, when I first came to practice, and first had children, I used to feel very strongly that my goal in life, the goal of spiritual life, was ‘somewhere else’, ‘something else’, and not really doing stuff with my children, or other ‘mundane’ activities.
Straining for Transcendence
Being mindful, right here, right now …. surely there was more to life than this? Was this the highest goal of Buddhist practice, of life? Surely there was transcendental experiences? Mystical insight? Living on a plane vaster and deeper and more *real* than this? However much I wanted to see *this*, right here, right now, as where it was at, and truly opening to that as being a moment well lived, the best possible way to live it in that moment …. well, it was never enough.
And I was reflecting last night …. after all these years …. do I still feel something of this … that somehow there is something much vaster to attain, somewhere else to get to? The answer was definitely ‘yes’. But did that goal, that aim in life, did that actually impoverish my current existence, my living right here where I am now? Well, the answer is ‘sometimes’.
Sometimes I feel a restlessness that wants to go beyond, that wishes to transcend the whole thing … that is straining at the leash.
The rightness of right here
But sometimes I feel a profound sense of gratitude, of belongingness, of wonder and beauty and opening and sheer rightness. And then all desire for more slips away.
Playing with my child, watching his pleasure as he splashed us both until all was soaked. I opened, I connected, I let go.
Is it enough?
Yes and No …. I can love more, I can understand more, I can let go more, I can help more.
But for now, I can accept that this is how it is, and this is a good place to be … a moment … empty, luminous …. just what it is …. on the way to other seemingly luminous moments …. equally empty ……