Month: July 2008 Page 1 of 4

Where did my breath go?

On 23/07/2008

I’ve noticed a change in my meditation lately. After quite a period of formless mahamudra meditation, I’ve recently been practicing Shamatha with the breath as the focus.

But, funny thing, I can’t really find the breath to focus on.

It’s pretty much there when I start … a sense of it popping up here and there, as my awareness begins to stabilise. I see it here, I see it there! …. and gradually the breath and awareness settle around each other, as it were.

Yet as my mind settles, the breath gradually goes out of view. As my mind settles, then I know more clearly, and the breath ceases to be a ‘thing’ which I can focus on. Instead of this ‘thing’ called the breath, which one might assume to be pretty continuous, and solid, a process with continuity, as it were … there’s …. well, what is there?

Donna Geissler Open Edition Canvas Giclee : "Gerbera Shimmer II" — Donna Geissler Open Edition Canvas Giclee : “Gerbera Shimmer II”

There are sensations, physical sensations, as the breath touches parts of the body – the lungs, the nose, etc, and leaves a sensation there. I pick these up. At other times there’s a sense of energy, not clearly physical, which I am somehow ‘associating’ with the breath, though of that I can’t be sure. It’s just that they arise where the breath ‘ought’ to be, if you see what I mean?

At other times, what is there? There’s a constellation of something, not sure what you’d call it …. maybe a vague cloud of vibrations, pulses, shimmerings, which again I’d collate all that together, and assume it to be breath.

Actually, there’s no ‘thing’ there which is the ‘breath’. There’s shimmerings and appearances, and I have to somehow string that together, bunch it up and package it, and call that ‘breath’. But that is not what I am aware of. I’m aware of a bunch of ever changing and ever varied stuff, which doesn’t happen in a particular place, such as the nostrils, or the abdomen. It happens ‘somewhere’ … well, nowhere really, it just happens, as a location? Nope. No location.

It’s not at a particular place. It’s not a particular ‘thing’, with continuity. It’s actually a dance of appearances, which I have to almost cobble together and call it my breath.

So what’s the issue with shamatha then?

Well, it’s actually hard to settle the mind on this after a certain point, as there isn’t really an ‘object’ to settle around at all. There’s no one ‘thing’ which to keep the awareness resting on …. so this isn’t a central point which to grasp onto, or focus down on, or keep hold off like I did in years gone by.

There’s just this shimmering, and I can’t really find it!

So what to do then? I’m kinda used to formless meditation at present, where there is no object of meditation, where I just rest in awareness, where there is resting, and bringing out of the knowing aspect, of clarity. But what that resting, knowing mind rests/knows is whatever appears, and whatever ‘actually is’ at that moment, which varies continuously.

Now, I’m trying to find an ‘object’ to rest the mind on, and I’m kinda struggling to find it.

So … interesting to see how this plays out. How will this develop …. at present I’ve no idea, which is cool 🙂

Li Bai / Li Po – The Birds Have Vanished Into The Sky

By Chodpa

On 22/07/2008

In Zen

The birds have vanished into the sky,
and now the last cloud drains away.

We sit together, the mountain and me,
until only the mountain remains.
from Endless River: Li Po and Tu Fu: A Friendship in Poetry,
Translated by Sam Hami.

Li Bai - formally known as Li Bo / Li Po — Li Po, know known as Li Bai

This is so evocative. A truly beautiful image, of Li Po sitting *with* the mountain, together, and in stillness, until only awareness of mountain remains.

It’s interesting the sense of time here, as Li Po sits for some time, as the birds fly away, the clouds drain away. Quite some time must pass, and eventually, Li Po’s sense of self fades away ….

All the transient appearances are symbolised here (birds and clouds which pass across the sky) as gradually dissolving, until how things actually are (symbolised by the mountain) is seen as it is.

Perhaps more than this metaphor for how things are, what strikes me is the sheer beauty of Li Po’s evocation of the process and path, of seeing things as they are … yet utterly opening to what appears to mind …. relative and ultimate, luminous emptiness ….

Money can’t buy you everything

By Chodpa

On 21/07/2008

In General Buddhism

I was driving into work today, and suddenly run into a traffic jam. We inched forward, and eventually I could see cars signalling to pull across into the right hand land. Clearly there’s a car ahead, probably an accident, I thought. When I got alongside it was a Porsche, with the driver down on his hands and knees, wheel off, and looking under his car. The car was parked half across the lane, with cars trying to get around him and his stricken vehicle.

Through my mind passed the thought – “doesn’t matter how much money you have, you can’t buy ‘luck’ …. you can’t ensure that everything will go smoothly in life, no suffering, nothing guaranteed to break down, etc, etc”. All fair enough, you might think.

And yet, in the back of my mind, as it were, I felt a quiet sense of satisfaction, that someone with tons of money had been ‘brought down’ by life, and that somehow I felt better as a result of his suffering.

Not the most noble of thoughts, I’m sure you’ll agree. Interesting finding that little gem lurking in the shadows, hidden pretty much from view by my more ‘Dharmic’ reflection on how none of the things people go after in life as ‘refuges’ would keep you away from impermanence or uncertainty.

Interesting … and one which made me smile, in a way.

Why on earth would one get a sense of satisfaction out of another’s sufferings?

What a strange thing. Hmm …. one to watch as it arises next time, to perhaps see a little more clearly how such a thing works …?????